Intersexed: Theory vs. Practice

          In a perfect world, gender norms wouldn't exist at all and much less the concept of your behavior being tied to your genitals. However, living in a society whose very foundation is built on this concept and with sexuality being one of the main driving forces of our human capacity, it is going to be a long time before intersexed individuals are seen as “normal” to the general public. In the article titled Divergence or Disorder, Elizbeth Reis asserts that parents have superficial problems with intersexuality such as fear of other people's opinions and the inability to "reconcile[ing] their child's anatomical condition with thoughts of his or her future sexual activity." ( Page 537). In the world of academia we have the privilege of being able to examine concepts such as gender in depth, outside of the simple biological standpoint, and can come to the conclusion that, hey, it's no big deal if a child is born with both a penis and a vagina. But that leaves me to wonder, how does this go over outside of our liberal bubble? What happens when you decide that your child's sex will not be determined by your doctor or yourself, and out of love and respect let your child develop their own identity.

       According to Healthy Place's Parents of Intersexed children FAQ forum , that is the best way to deal with your child's unique conditions. Many argue that the social anxieties should be irrelevant when its juxtaposed with the possibility and hurting your baby's health in the process of fitting him in a gender box. Some of these anxieties are trivial such as “what should I name them?” with the vast variety of gender neutral names in circuit. Then there are other anxieties which are not so trivial, such as “Will my child grow up confused from things as simple as not knowing which bathroom to use at school?” “Will my child be bullied because of his condition?” “What kinds of factors will go into my child's ultimate decision? Will they choose out of a desperate need to fit in?” “How much harder will their lives be?” “Is love and support from home enough to hold up the weight of society's judgements?” These questions arise from more than just fear of public opinion, they arise from genuine love and the parental desire to give your child the best life they can possibly have.

         When speaking to my homosexual brother once, he told me that he hopes his children don't turn out to be gay, although he would of course love them regardless. He said he wouldn't let his boy wear a skirt if he wanted to. To which I exclaimed, “Why the hell not?” He told me “Deyalyn, you're looking at this from a place of hetero-normative privilege. I'm sure you with your free spirited liberal attitude will let your boy wear a too-too if he asked, but you have to think about what that means for him. Yes he might be happy initially, but what happens when other boys taunt him, and possibly decide to hurt him? Also, do you understand how much more susceptible to ridicule he would be just by having your same skin color? Race is a huge factor that a lot of people forget to incorporate.” A hispanic homosexual who attended Vanderbilt University in the deep south of Tennessee, understanding first-hand the struggle of being ostracized by society for his natural tendency, prays he does not have a gay child because he does not want that child to grow up in a world that condemns him. This has nothing to do with fearing embarrassment and everything to do with genuine love and deep care for his future child. The same could be said about parents who decide to surgically determine their babies' ambiguous sexes.

          Although I would still let my boy wear a too-too if he asked, my brother's view gave me a feeling that I was missing something as an ally. My views come out of a place of privilege, of not really understanding the LGBTQ plight as much as I think I do. The privilege of having a good education, of being naturally attracted to the sex society wants me to be attracted to, of being born with a vagina that feels right to me. There's a whole world out there, probably the greatest chunk in fact, that simply does not and would not ever understand gender fluidity, and might go through violent lengths in order to eradicate the concept, for the sake of their own sanity or even greater, for the sake of their God. Not because they actually understand it and see it as wrong, but simply because they are uneducated and the idea strongly conflicts with everything they've been taught by people they strongly admire. A term “intersexed” is not even recognized as a real word in this Open Office word document, and much less one that is recognized by people outside of the high-level education bubble. As much as we want to push against that, how much are we willing to risk? Are we willing to risk our lives, and our children's lives for it?

         One of the main things discussed in many of these forums is how important communication with the child is, never allowing them to feel ashamed or embarrassed and keeping them in the loop at all times. What they don't really explain is what exactly should be said. When should this conversation take place? When the child brings it up, or whenever one deems them to be the appropriate age? How does one explain to a child the origin of a system that is set on women having vaginas and men having penises without making them feel abnormal? What if a parent lacks the appropriate language to use no matter how good their intentions are? One of the forums brought up how crucial it is for a parent to seek help from a gender specialist, but what if they can't afford such a luxury? Surely this is not something that would be covered by healthcare. How much of our tolerance is based on having certain privileges, such as an education and money for specialists and late surgeries?

         So many questions, very little answers. I guess these are things that must be taken by stride. Why assume that your intersexed child is going to be bullied? Maybe it'll be quite the opposite and they'll charm the hell out of their classmates and have lots of friends. So what if you cant afford a gender specialist? There are many helpful forums and safe-haven groups that will give you the language frame you need so that your child is understanding of his condition. Oh and also, just maybe, it's okay to make mistakes. As parents of many “normal” children do. In fact, you'll only be raising a child who is more enlightened and more aware of the diversities of this world. Someone who won't be phased by difference and will treat everyone equally no matter what's in their pants. You'll be raising the kind of person with a perspective thats very rare and very much needed in our society. While there are still other societies that haven't come to terms with things like homosexuality and much less intersexuality, we can't let that hold us back from pushing towards change in our own homes.