TW: periods, penises, dysphoria
If you didn’t know or realize
already, I personal identify as transgender. My identity is pretty complicated,
because I don’t identify specifically as a transman, or FTM. I identify as non-binary,
specifically as genderfluid.
What the
heck is genderfluid? Well when I was in 9th grade, when I started
questioning my gender and exploring different identities, I didn’t really know
where to start. I knew I sometimes had gender and body dysphoria, but it wasn’t
all of the time. I didn’t wake up every morning and stare at my body in a blind
panic, or worse, avoid mirrors all together. Sometimes I felt (and feel!)
perfectly content in body. Sometimes I really like my boobs and think my hips
are the cutest things on a person ever. (Keeping in mind I also have a lot of
socialized anxiety about my weight, which manifests itself in tears when trying
to find formal clothing). But other times nothing is okay. I wish I was
flat-chested, I wish I could grow facial hair, I have anxiety attacks when I’m
on my period (to the point that I’ll completely ignore it for 12-24 hours at a
time. This is made much easier by my discovery of the DiveCup®), and I want a
dick. Is it still penis envy if you’re dysphoric? I don’t know, other people’s
penises are weird, but mine wouldn’t be.
Moving away from dysphoria and back
to the story, when I was in 9th grade, I was convinced I had a
multiple personality disorder. I knew that transgender within the binary was a
thing, and I knew I was not that, so I made something up that seemed to fit,
although I knew it still wasn’t right. I named the gay man inside of me Jon,
and know you know where KJ comes from. I finally googled enough that I found
other terms for what I was feeling. Without the internet, I don’t know where I’d
be. Probably still confused about liking a girl and a boy at the same time. (I
was 10. I don’t think I’d heard the word bisexual yet, and there I was. Thanks, Google.)
From 11th grade up until
about 6 months ago, I identified as genderqueer. In "Transgender History", Stryker defines genderqueer as
“People who resist gender norms without ‘changing sex’, but this is not always
the case” (Stryker 21). This term was easy for me because it’s somewhat of an
umbrella term. I identify as queer in terms of my sexuality for the same
reason. Identities are confusing and hard, so genderqueer was the most used
term that basically identified me as “something else”. The non-binary has been
a comfortable place for me as I explore my gender identity. Stryker talks about
gender neutral pronouns, pointing out that they aren’t right for everyone. But
I started using gender neutral pronouns when I got to college, and I feel like
they fit me best right now. I use they/them, but I have friends who use ve/vir
and ze/hir. To be honest, I don’t mind when people use he/him for me, but I
haven’t explored that part of my identity fully and it’s not something I’m
going to ask people to use for me right now. My identity as transgender is a
journey that isn't finished, however.
Susan Stryker defines transgender
as “movement away from an initially assigned gender position” (Stryker 19). Assigned
gender is determined by a lot of things, first of all sex. “Sex refers to the
reproductive capacity or potential—whether an individual body produces one or
the other of the two specialized cells necessary for our species to physically
reproduce itself” (Stryker 8). Gender is assigned based on whether you have
testes that should produce sperm or a vagina that presumably leads to ovaries
that produce eggs. This system doesn't work perfectly, there are plenty of
people with a mix of these qualities, and plenty of people with all the “right”
parts that are infertile. Sex is determined when the baby is born, but other
gendering/sexing characteristics appear around puberty.
Morphology, or “The shape of the
body that we typically associate with being male or female” (Stryker 9), can be
pretty damning for trans individuals along with secondary sex characteristics.
I have big boobs and big hips. No matter how hard I try, I’ve only been
mistaken for a cis man once or twice in my life. These are things I want to
change about myself through exercise, but as with many of the aspects of my
identity, I have to sort out where those impulses are coming from. Do I want to
be thinner because of societal stresses to take up less space, or do I want to
be perceived as more gender neutral (or morphology neutral, in this case)? Do I
want to look more like a man because I would have more advantages that way, or
because it sucks when people assume I’m a cis woman? I occupy a space of privilege
as an AFAB trans person. I constantly have to question myself to resist
upholding or affirming the patriarchy with my very existence and
transformation.
The point of this blog is to
hopefully put a personal touch into the readings we’ve had so far in Bodies. I’m
not 100% comfortable talking about my body and trans status with people, let
alone people who aren’t close friends, but I couldn’t imagine talking about
anything else. Being trans is complicated. Being a human being is complicated.
I feel like we’re all unsure of ourselves. The Tumblr community and the wonderful
queer group of friends I’ve surrounded myself with here at Allegheny have been
the most loving, supporting, and helpful people. Both in navigating my identity
and in general. I guess if you want to ask me questions, feel free, but I might
get shy if you ask me in person and I don’t hear super well.
Have fun exploring your own
identity! I hope this class can be transformative for people. If you’re
interested in more personal anecdotes about being trans, Google is your friend!
Tumblr tends to turn up a lot of porn when you search for… well, anything. I
would personally recommend that as well, but I’m academically recommending
Google. I found this article a couple of days ago that really hits home about an agender/non-binary person. It's really beautifully written and includes a supporting mother figure. There's also a photo gallery here of genderqueer and other non-binary identified people that is definitely worth checking out.
Good luck!
Thanks a lot for sharing your very personal experience with us. I've been hoping for you to speak up in class about it a little more since I've never met anyone who defined themselves as gender fluid although I've known it existed for a while, but I totally understand how hard it can be, even in a class full of open minded individuals. I really like how you talk about experiencing your gender as a child, and how you made up your own way of sort of defining yourself. That shows, I believe, a certain consciousness and creativity that a lot of children don't necessarily have. I also love how you talked about wanting a penis and how hard it is to be true to yourself while at the same time trying to dismantle patriarchy. It's tough, for a lot of people, for a lot of reasons. And you're spot on about how we're just all just exploring our identities and how there's really no destination. Great article link!
ReplyDeleteI am really glad you included your personal account. It is not as often that we hear about this subject from non cisgender individuals, and I think your perspective is very important. Thank you for sharing it! I think it is helpful for people to hear really how it feels to question their gender and to push them to maybe question their own gender more. I liked how you included definitions from Stryker to make this blog more understandable especially for people outside of our class. Finally, I really enjoyed your links. I spent a long time looking at the portraits of genderqueer people and was very glad that they were able to appear proud of who they are. I hope that other people see this blog and those links, I really think it is an eye opener. Thank you for a great blog!
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